opportunitycosts | [ empatheias ] message box

She's been there overnight. I told her not to leave until you got the message.

[ Lu Meng sounds calm, but there's definitely a slight undercurrent of tension that even then might've been lost to those less attentive to details. But this is really just the tip of the iceberg, and it's perhaps a testament to Lu Meng's years of being a general and having to maintain his composure at almost all times because the connection is practically oozing some of that old guilt and frustration that characterized Lu Meng's less healthy state of mind a few months ago.]

Emizel was attacked by Red yesterday. Both boys are unharmed, but they are both understandably rattled and upset.

Heh, sorry. I was out with Pre—

[Wait. Wait, what—]

Hold on, what? Red attacked Emizel?? What happened?

To my understanding, Emizel accidentally let off some of his emotion at Red.

[A pause. It's not that Lu Meng really wants to blast out Red's issues to anyone, but there's no avoiding giving Alvin a full picture of what happened without going into them.]

Red has had problems similar to mine, due to an incident during Sosyne's attack on the city. [Lu Meng doesn't need to go into what kind of problems he's referring to.] I believe he snapped and lost control of himself when he was reminded of that incident after Emizel accidentally sent a bolt of energy that hit the ground near him. Red doesn't remember what happened at all, and is very remorseful over what he did to Emizel.

[...Ai yi yi.]

All right, back up so I can get this straight. Emizel accidentally sent a bolt of energy? Was he trying to show off one of his powers or was this a courtesy of the emotion world?

Courtesy of emotion world. Emizel and Red had an argument, and it turned heated enough for the emotions to turn the whole disagreement into a far more difficult situation. [If possible, Lu Meng would prefer not to go into the exact focus of the boys's disagreement-turned-almost-violent, but strange how there's a rush of terrible self-guilt and shame and anger flooding the link between them right now, huh?]

Shun is currently looking after Emizel; the last I heard, Emizel was shaken and despondent. Please let him know Red is regretful over what happened, and was very worried about Emizel's health and wellbeing.

Yeah, I'll talk to him. Red, too. [And now he's feeling bad for not being available.

Sure, he had a...well it was a good reason in some respects, but now he has to wonder how he's going to balance his little romantic pursuit while also being on call for parental duties. Fortunate, none of his kid(s) are so young that he'd have to hire a babysitter and he knows they can more or less take care of themselves. But when something like this happens...

Definitely not something he was prepared for or expected, and it might be something he should talk with Presa over. See her perspective.

So there's some of his own guilt mixing and—wait a second. Mixing in?]

Feels like they weren't the only ones heated up, though. [There's that inquiring tone there.] What's bothering you?

You should focus on the boys first. Emizel especially; he was rather distraught.

[He's doing the Lu Meng thing, deflecting concern for himself to others. Alvin's gonna have to dig in a little.]

[Yep. Alvin knows this deflection well.]

I'll check on them, don't worry. But you seem more agitated about this than a person normally would be, even if it's just out of concern.

C"mon, Lu Meng. If you don't tell me now, I'll be coming back later, so might as well get it over with.

It's nothing significant.

[ And yet he ends on an uncertain note. For a moment there he's quiet, and it's one of his more brooding, gloomy silence, a heavy weight pressing down on both their minds. But Alvin would be able to tell that Lu Meng is bothered enough by what happened, that all Alvin will need todo is keep the link open and wait for Luey to bring it up himself.

And sure enough, after a lengthy pause, he finally, reluctantly relents. ]

They were arguing about me.

[Alvin would definitely wait. If there's one thing he's learned to do when trying to field out answers from stubborn targets, is that patience is key.

The answer, however, surprises him a bit.]

About you? Do you know what about or why?

Red figured out that Emizel has some...troubles with me. Fearing that should Emizel accidentally cross paths with me and have a negative emotional reaction, he advised Emizel to leave the festival. I think Red pushed the issue too much, and Emizel snapped back at him.

[ Satisfied? Lu Meng falls back into a stony silence, his emotions sticking and dripping like tar with every passing second. ]

[In a way, yes. But man does it feel gooey here, and definitely not the right kind.]

I see... It's weird that Red would have pushed him to leave though, especially if Emizel was fine with it.

[Siiiigh booooys.]

In any case, don't feel so bent up about it, Lu Meng. It sounds like both of them are the real problem, not you.

But I contributed to it.

[ And here comes the guilt train choo choo. ]

Sometimes I think, that I can put the past behind me and move on. Yet time and again, my mistakes have returned to give grief to those I care about.

I know I did not start this argument, but I still caused it.

[A light sigh.]

As someone who knows exactly how you feel, I can tell you it's not easy sometimes and it'll come up again. But that's just how it works. The only good news is that it does get better. Just takes a hell a lot longer than you'd like.

I'm not too sure about that. [He says, quietly.] If it does come up again, I'm not going to be able to stop these emotions.

You're not supposed to.

[Probably odd thing to hear, and of course this is coming from Alvin's experience.]

Guilt's a nasty bitch that will remain with you for the rest of your life. I should know. [He even has a problem with it now, so Lu Meng may feel some sympathetic feelings from his end.] And honestly, it's actually probably not a bad thing overall. It's a reminder not that you did something bad, but that you actually feel something about it. Keeps you human.

[Well doesn't that sound profound.]

The real challenge is what you end up doing with that feeling.

Edited (basically just cutting this thing in half because eeeeeh last portion wasn't really necessary and it was bugging me.) 2016-02-28 03:09 (UTC)

...I know you're just trying to help, and I appreciate that. I really do. But I didn't want to talk about it because I knew you were going to try and give me advice, when really at this point I just want someone who will lend me an ear. Everyone tells me that it's alright to share your problems so that you feel less of a weight on your shoulders, and yet when you do people assume that you're immediately unable to handle them. I'm trying not to feel weak or talked down on, but you reflecting my own advice back to me as if I'm some greenhorn doesn't help.

[And after that calm vent is over, there's a sigh. It's been a long, long night.]

Look. I'm sorry. And this really isn't about me, it's about the boys. Whatever problems I have I'll deal with them on my own, but both Emizel and Red need help right now. I'll see about getting Red to an emotional counsellor; his emotional wounds have yet to heal, and the longer he goes without proper treatment the worst he'll get. He's taking this whole incident very hard, and he considers himself to be the only one at fault for what happened. I'm worried that if let to his own, he might develop unhealthy thinking patterns that will only feed his fears even further. But I believe he's afraid to seek help because it would mean facing the fact that he can't fully control his emotions and actions any longer. He was very frightened when he told me he couldn't remember anything.

[Gee, does this all sound uncomfortably familiar to Lu Meng.]

[—Ah. The answer is a bit of a surprise. He honestly thought Lu Meng still needed advice, but after hearing his response...a few things click.]

Sorry, I didn't realize. For the record though, I never once thought you wouldn't be able to handle them. Just trying to give you a sympathetic shoulder. [But it's clear what he thought was the right way was actually not as helpful as he thought. Still, it's good to know.]

But you're right. Gotta focus on those kids right now. [A heavy sigh.] I'll still talk to Red just for my own peace of mind, but if you're taking care of him, then I'll focus on Emizel. He can be pretty sensitive, too, and is probably thinking the same thing. [Kids.] Though now I wonder if I should take him to see someone, too...

[Previous experience when Emizel was last in a fit of depression surfacing his mind.]

Honestly, if what you say is true, then they both might have this kind of issue about facing their weaknesses.

The last time I saw Emizel, he didn't seem well.

[The boy had been losing colours and growing paler and paler during their last accidental meeting.]

What happened to him?

A lot of self-esteem issues, apparently. [Another sigh, but this time it's less heavy and more... Kids.] It mostly related to how he was handling his own emotions and how they affected Peromei.

So he's melancholy because he's...feeling melancholy, and is worried about the effect that will have on Peromei?

[Alvin can't see it, but Lu Meng's shaking his head. Kids.]

What brought this on in the first place? We parted on awful terms, but before our relationship soured he didn't seem to be in such poor spirits.

[Alvin completely agrees.]

I'm honestly not sure. It might be because of what happened with Junko. He was afraid he'd have to get the same treatment as her, and I think he wants to actually help with what's going with the Arehtei. So he might be feeling useless right now, too.

Miss Enoshima's despair is completely different from his; she deliberately wants to feel nothing else but despair to destroy the island. And eitherway no one is going to be subject to that drug if they don't want to, and especially not for just having negative emotions. I thought this was cleared up at the townhall meeting.

[This is ridiculous. Lu Meng rubs his face on his side, Chinese curses floating in from his end of the line.]

...if he wants to help with the Arehtei, I'm sure he can contribute in some manner. Perhaps...you could suggest to him to collect well-wishes and cards for Peromei's health?

It didn't sink into his head, but I already told him all of that. But kids can be troublesome like that. Once they get an idea into their head, it sometimes takes a lot of convincing and proof otherwise. [Siiiiighhh.

But whoa, watch that language, Lu Meng.]

He actually turned in his crystal to Peromei earlier. Had me go along with him to make sure he didn't run away and things didn't get too hairy.

Then perhaps he should speak with a counselor as well. I've already advised Red to see one, but...well. I'm starting to understand how frustrating it was for you and Sanae to handle me back then.

I'll do what I can with Red. I believe he'll want to apologize with Emizel. Could you perhaps speak with him? At least to hear Red's side of the story.

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